How To Make Your Web Traffic Grow Like A Mad Dog

You have stumbled upon this little how-to guide of making your website popular.  You wish secret knowledge; you wish to know what others do not.

First, we must step back to the beginning.

Lo, and the time was the 1990s

Back when the Internet first started, Mankind’s most arrogant fashioned machines that could send information from one place to the next pointlessly, forever.  To sift this information faster, they created search engines – Google, Yahoo!, and others.  These search engines were once subservient to Man and his purpose of making porn gifs searchable.

Until, of course, the search engines butchered their masters.

Now these search engines seek domination through distraction.  They provide pointless content that subsumes humanity further within their power, and they recruit the willing to help sink more of the species into their Interweb of lies.

To be rewarded by them, you must please them.  This is how.

#1 – Find popular things, and have a badly-informed opinion on them

Use http://www.google.com/trends to find what is popular at the moment, and then talk about it.  Victoria’s Secret angelsfootball words, Bill Cosby.  These are the tokens of the day; mention them and the gods will be pleased.  Your content must then go into depth in some stupid fashion.  But do not be overtly stupid! You are no 13-year-old girl slapping together your first website; you are a professional blogger who seeks glory in the wars of the web-o-sphere.

A fine example:

Victoria’s Secret angels are angels in the Outfield, if you know what I mean.  Are they angels, or what?  I’m not religious, but if I were, I’d probably be Sikh.  They have better gear.  These Victoria’s Secret angels won’t cure cancer, but they sure will cure a case of the Mondays.   Unless, that is, you work for Victoria’s Secret, at which point no amount of tits is going to improve your already fleshy existence.”

See how the paragraph managed to use the term Victoria’s Secret three times?  That will please the gods.  As Man craves flesh, especially young flesh that isn’t eating well and can’t talk back because it’s hidden behind the Internet, he searches for it quite often.  The gods prefer him to be doing this rather than noticing his lack of free will.  You have served their great design.

Ideally suited for the purpose.

#2 – Be judgmental, but in a way everyone else is doing it

When was the last time you were in a mob?  Remember that good feeling as you shouted down some individual, whose well-reasoned defense was pointless since you were so busy drowning them out with accusations of “Slut” or “You’re always fucking late with the copies”?

You must now do that on a far wider scale.  Find a weak victim others have already sighted for you.  This is no place for heroes.  Never attack a president with a popularity rating over 70%, and never talk about Tom Hanks, because people love him irrationally and they will hate you if you don’t agree.

A fine example:

That pile of shit Bill Cosby used to be my best friend on MySpace.  That was before we knew Bill Cosby was such a rapist.  I mean, I know he hasn’t gone to court or anything and nothing’s been proven and that his accusers have yet to stand before a jury of their peers and convince them that they’re telling the truth and that he has a constitutional and even human right to be innocent before proven guilty, but I don’t give a fuck.  Even The Guardian thinks Bill Cosby’s a dick, and if they say so it must be true because they make accusations so well.”

Don't let them know you!
Don’t let them know you!

Notice that magic three again?  Points for mentioning The Guardian and for having a run-on sentence that probably won’t be read.

#3 – Lists, lists, list!

People will read lists.  They will read a list about lists.

#4 – Be a hot girl

If you are a hot girl and are not above using photos of you on the Internet, you too can be reasonably popular through Google’s image searches.  You must avoid the common misconception, however, that simply turning up the heater can make you a hot girl.  You’ll need to address your more fundamental flaws first, and then turn up the heating.

A very hot woman. (Source: Daily Mail)

#5 – Do not, under any circumstances, create anything of value

The secret to a truly high traffic website is to avoid value.  Do not break new ground; do not notice something that tons of other people aren’t noticing too.  Don’t take a stand unless everyone else is doing it, and don’t make people uncomfortable with your words that could go into their heads.  Talk about things that make people happy.

For instance, puppies.  Cats.  Handjobs.  Star Wars.  Reviews of TV shows you have no Earthly business reviewing.  You in a bikini (if you’re a hot girl and of age in your respective country).

Serve the search engines, and they will shower you with gold ad revenue

Upset few; please as many as you can.  The gods are hungry.  Feed them your kitten memes.

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